Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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