I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The power of my boobs compel you
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
