i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
