Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
that is very illegal...i love you.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
