Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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