I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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