the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
