New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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