i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
