This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
