Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
