You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
