Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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