Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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