you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
