next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
