woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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