if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think im going to throw up on grandma
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
