I hate your face
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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