the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
