So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
