My room smells like vodka and shame
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
worst night to have a conscience
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
