im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
