Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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