dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
