I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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