I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
