The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize