I didn't shave. On purpose
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
