My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
