The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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