i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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