so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
