Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
