I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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