i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my being single is dangerous.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
