PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
