I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
