I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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