I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
