i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You're like the curious george of whores
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
