i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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