I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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