Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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