Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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