I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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