its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
