so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
