Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The adults are the big ones right?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
