Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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