If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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