i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
