I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize