glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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