do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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