that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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