I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
