update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
