The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
