I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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